NEYM - Wednesday (part one)

The blazing discovery which Quakers made, long ago, is rediscovered again and again by individuals and sometimes by groups. The embers flare up, the light becomes glorious. There is no reason why it cannot break out again, today, with blazing power. The world needs it desperately. - Thomas Kelly

I didn't really think the past few days would be glorious at all. A little dim glow would have sufficed. However, I much prefer where I am right now.

There are so many thoughts running through my head, and while I will surely miss my time here, I crave time at home to reflect on what I have learned while back in the context of my own life. I feel spiritually moved, inspired, connected – and yet I am keenly aware that I am in a blissful bubble of sorts, without the outside world pressing upon me. Walking cheerfully comes easily for me here. Too easily? Perhaps. But I suspect I needed to gain a set of spiritual "training wheels" as it were – all this falling into worship with large other groups of like-minded people has helped to deepen my experience easily. I am trying to trust the process for later on when I am not here.

I had a conversation earlier in the week (a continuation of one started months ago) about a seeming division in contemporary Quaker worship - activist or more Christian-grounded, even biblically based. I would expect my leadings to be heavy on the activist side of things. A member of our meeting (who has been at this much longer than me and I am sure knows what he's talking about!) has warned that I must proceed slowly, as not to burn out. Good advice, if I was in this for all the activity...

I am already surrounded by worthy causes. I work in public education, and find myself often serving as an advocate for kids and teachers and creating classrooms of respect and courage and light. Coincidentally, also a Quaker thing. I also have relatives in the mental health system. My own health problems have given me heightened awareness of disability issues of today. I do not have to look far for more good work to do, and there is much to be done.

But still, after a whole year, it's that peace and light that I experience in meeting each week, here with others at Yearly Meeting, and even in my solitary morning walks on the beach that keeps me returning week after week. I leave this week sure that it's not something you "burn out" from. In fact, it may just be the fuel for all the rest of the burnings.

I felt it long ago, when I was much younger. I wanted it to return, but my religious traditions of the time seemed to drive it away from me just when I needed it most. But that deep silence, that sharing with others which I still cannot quite explain, has been remarkably consistent thus far. I look forward to seeing how it continues to manifest itself as I leave. I will depart tommorrow still apprehensive, but hopeful.