Trusting in the Change

Scituate, MA Elementary Honor Band with Thomas C Duffy, Yale. Commissioned work rehearsal, Spring 2008


If we dwell in the presence of God, we shall be led by the spirit. We do well to remember that being led by the spirit depends not so much upon God, who is always there to lead us, as upon our willingness to be led. We need to be willing to be led into the dark as well as through green pastures and by still waters. We do not need to be afraid of the dark, because God is there. The future of this earth need not be in the hands of the world's 'leaders'. The world is in God's hands if we are led by God. Let us be led by the Spirit. Let us walk with a smile into the dark.

Gordon Matthews, 1987


A few years ago I was in a job that I loved. It was a long commute, and some other hassles, but I had opportunity to work with great people, I was respected in the job, and was doing good, creative work with great kids. Budget cuts put my position in jeopardy, and I had to consider whether it was feasible to find work somewhere else. The employment kept coming back and leaving, and it seemed it would stay and all would be well, around the time I had a big concert/gathering of students. At that event in the lobby, I found myself telling a colleague, "well, this might all still work out. Perhaps this is the place for me".

At that moment I felt a strong sense telling me simply "This is NOT it". I have no idea what that was, exactly - except it was right. Soon after I was offered another position, and although I was not sure it was the right move, I accepted the job and it turned out to be exactly what I needed at that time.

How often as this happened? When I am open to it, more times than I can count. Quakers call it "Way opening" - Julia Cameron calls it "listening to the Universe".

When our highest self becomes actualized, it seems like all is "right" with the world. Robert Fritz calls this "The Path of Least Resistance". Fritz does not say that the path is an easy one - it is just the path we are meant to be on, and we do not resist it. In Quakerly terms, we are given leadings, able to see Openings,and discern a direction. In my case of late, it seems also to mean some pretty amazing cases of "Synchronicity" occur as well! Fritz also says this opens us up in a state of Transcendence...

The other life-building principle is transcendence – we can transcend the consequences we have put into motion. Cause and effect are suspended. Past actions do not become manifested in future outcomes. The past, no matter what it has been, is no longer a dynamic that must play itself out. Not only do we recognize the past is over, it is no longer at issue. We are able to re-create our lives anew. -Fritz

I feel called to return to that space right now. I have not really been dwelling there for a long time - I just visit. The "visits" let me glimpse a brighter, deeper way of being, but the effort to leave the tedium of some of my day-to-day commitments has been a strong pull. Time to take that leap!

“I have learned, as a rule of thumb, never to ask whether you can do something. Say, instead, that you are doing it. Then fasten your seat belt. The most remarkable things follow.” - Julia Cameron

Little moments of salvation

Normally my morning beach walk includes a quiet read of poetry, Bible, whatever I feel moved to carry that day. Today I looked over the ledge of the sidewalk, onto the sand, and found a crab struggling to right itself and continue walking on the sand. The water was very far away, and there were some very hungry seagulls in between - he needed a little help.

So...I walked down to the sand, picked up the snapping crab, dumped him in my shoe and headed to the water. It was a new northern section of the beach, where I had not walked before. There were some rocks up ahead, and surprisingly, there were tide pools there. I dumped out the crab and he happily scurried sideways under some rocks, where I was convinced he would live another day.

Yesterday I had a great day of sharing with new F/friends who helped me along in a time of difficult questioning. It was unexpected, it was more helpful than I could have ever dreamed, and more timely than I would have ever hoped for. How often to we overlook such amazing gifts that we are given? This crab I found today was in the middle of no where, certainly "doomed", even if unaware of the circumstance at the time. And yet out of nowhere he was scooped up and saved. Propelled onto a new path.

Quakers (the weighty, "real" Quakers I tend to like so much) were quite aware of these happenings. In a world of many trials, where it seems the curtain is closing and the cavalry will not make it in time, the "big save" always seems to occur. Perhaps not in the way they expected - but certainly in the way most needed and helpful at the time. I'm hoping in the next few days, as I myself move into some new and uncharted spiritual territory for me, to remember it is not my job to fix anything, save anyone, but merely to sit back and faithfully watch the unfolding, and be grateful.

My own will and desires were now very much broken, and my heart was with much earnestness turned to the Lord, to whom alone I looked for help in the dangers before me. - John Woolman

Standards

This morning, as I walked the Hampton seacoast, I though about standards. I am asked to do this often in the field of education - and I am sure I do it subconsiously in many areas of my life.

I was told once by a well-meaning (and caring) F/friend, "you have really high standards for members of your community". That was months ago, but it rose in me today. At the time, I disagreed. At that time, it implied that I was judging others, critical of their behavior if it didin't fit my standard.

I imagined that differently today in the hazy mist of morning. My standards are very high indeed. They are what I seem at the moment to call Christ's Standards. There's really only one - "love everybody". That's it. High? You betcha. Unattainable? For everybody I've met thus far.

I think what my F/friend was speaking of were my expectations. I am figuring out if those are in the right place. Do I expect others in my meeting to "fix" my problems? Do I expect them to hold to that standard of universal love, in all situations, without failing or struggling as we humans often do? I hope not.

I do, however, expect them to listen to me. And to sit with me in fellowship and prayer as I figure out next steps on a spiritual path. I'm not sure where that falls in the "reasonable" realm. It seems, at the moment, to be the right question to be asking - and I am blessed today to have found this query.

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

~ David Whyte ~

I'm struggling quite a bit with finding the words to make some changes. I feel like so often the conversations sound like commentary on where the listener is, not where I am, or am seeking to go. I am grateful that the past year has led me to some treasured experiences - I have met some great people and sharing their stories has been helpful to me. But occasionally those stories push me in a new direction of action - and I do not feel free to explore those anymore.

I am trying to communicate that this is my journey, and although I would like the companionship it's not a criticism of anyone else. I'm not sure yet quite how the answer when someone says "we miss you" without acknowledging that my journey is hard or not always welcome. I simply can't worry about other's right now. I'm being called way out of my comfort zone, and remaining isn't an option either. I'm hoping that way opens soon....

The beach

Hampton Beach - John Greenleaf Whittier

The sunlight glitters keen and bright,
Where, miles away,
Lies stretching to my dazzled sight
A luminous belt, a misty light,
Beyond the dark pine bluffs and wastes of sandy gray.

The tremulous shadow of the Sea!
Against its ground
Of silvery light, rock, hill, and tree,
Still as a picture, clear and free,
With varying outline mark the coast for miles around.

On, on, we tread with loose-flung rein
Our seaward way,
Through dark-green fields and blossoming grain,
Where the wild brier-rose skirts the lane,
And bends above our heads the flowering locust spray.

Ha! like a kind hand on my brow
Comes this fresh breeze,
Cooling its dull and feverish glow,
While through my being seems to flow
The breath of a new life, the healing of the seas!

Now rest we, where this grassy mound
His feet hath set
In the great waters, which have bound
His granite ankles greenly round
With long and tangled moss, and weeds with cool spray wet.

Good-by to Pain and Care! I take
Mine ease to-day
Here where these sunny waters break,
And ripples this keen breeze, I shake
All burdens from the heart, all weary thoughts away.

I draw a freer breath, I seem
Like all I see
Waves in the sun, the white-winged gleam,
Of sea-birds in the slanting beam,
And far-off sails which flit before the south-wind free.

So when Time's veil shall fall asunder,
The soul may know
No fearful change, nor sudden wonder,
Nor sink the weight of mystery under,
But with the upward rise, and with the vastness grow.

And all we shrink from now may seem
No new revealing;
Familiar as our childhood's stream,
Or pleasant memory of a dream
The loved and cherished Past upon the new life stealing.

Serene and mild the untried light
May have its dawning;
And, as in summer's northern night
The evening and the dawn unite,
The sunset hues of Time blend with the soul's new morning.

I sit alone; in foam and spray
Wave after wave
Breaks on the rocks which, stern and gray,
Shoulder the broken tide away,
Or murmurs hoarse and strong through mossy cleft and cave.

What heed I of the dusty land
And noisy town?
I see the mighty deep expand
From its white line of glimmering sand
To where the blue of heaven on bluer waves shuts down!

In listless quietude of mind,
I yield to all
The change of cloud and wave and wind
And passive on the flood reclined,
I wander with the waves, and with them rise and fall.

But look, thou dreamer! wave and shore
In shadow lie;
The night-wind warns me back once more
To where, my native hill-tops o'er,
Bends like an arch of fire the glowing sunset sky.

So then, beach, bluff, and wave, farewell!
I bear with me
No token stone nor glittering shell,
But long and oft shall Memory tell
Of this brief thoughtful hour of musing by the Sea.

health

Today is a good reminder about how fragile our health can be. Yesterday I was tired, and once we turned the air conditioner on (just low) I needed a blanket most of the day (and THREE at night). It did not dawn on me until this morning that this could be a thyroid issue - but it probably is. As someone with a chronic health condition, it surprises me sometimes that I forget I am sick. How timely - after spending yesterday trying to figure out how to slow down and rest, my body's doing it for me. Today's practice will be one of gratitude for the health I still have, and (hopefully) for more health that will return. And fruit, lots of fruit!

“Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted–a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” — Rabbi Harold Kushner

returning...

This week's vacation was blessed on many levels - and I am sure to share moments here. A surprisingly difficult task, however, was slipping back into "real life" here at home. While on vacation, I was fortunate to have free fun time with my family, time to walk and rise early and read and learn new things. All which I am also, luckily, able to do for the most part at home. However, I arrived home with reminders of the life I had laid aside for the week. Commitments I had made, scheduling conflicts that I was asked to solve, the usual.

This arrival home left me in tears last evening. I think after a while year, I was finally able to taste a bit of that "jubilee"moment - the time for laying aside of all things, to hear what we are called to do again with fresh ears.

I spent the week in Newtown, home of Edward Hicks, who had some trouble discerning his calling in his early life. Hicks had a talent for painting, but that was considered "unacceptable" in the ornamental style of the day, not a profession for a devout Quaker. And yet, once Hicks was able to hear his call, he was able to use his talents to express his ministry in the way he could be best used.

I'm okay with being a member of committees, doing my part to help the meeting here at home, and all of that. But the spiritual dimension of my current growth, the reason in part I spent time in Newtown and Philadelphia, is getting pushed aside. My tears of frustration upon returning were caused by the notion I might lose what I had just worked so hard to discover.

I feel urged, especially this week through the writings of early Friends, to take time, to sit with concerns as they arise, and to consider and be aware of new openings. When my life is cluttered with too much to do, I can no longer hear any inner promptings. I have been struggling to find a way to define my confusion, but it now seems quite clear to me. Rest and deeper time of listening is what I experienced this week. I feel the need to clearly resolve not to let that process fade away, and to clear my schedule and my heart of all the unimportant clutter.

A number of well-meaning members of my meeting have expressed concern for my level of commitment. They have gently reminded me not to take on too much. I am hoping this indicates that they will be okay with my laying down of many future commitments. My first calling right now seems to be the fellowship and worship in my own meeting, and in certain others. I am going to try to stay true to that call as it (hopefully) appears.