Back to Reality/Forward into Change

"You cannot step into the same river twice." - -- Heraclitus

I am still musing on many things that opened up to me this week, and I am sure they'll emerge here later on....

But I was horribly (?) conscious of a thinking/perception shift last evening. After a week of Quakerly discernment, holding each other in light with some very tough considerations, I returned home to what I can only describe as a jarring introduction to my regular ol' "reality". I attended an organizational meeting for a certainly worthy cause, one that I am only momentarily involved in (the specifics of the endeavor are not really relevant here).

I saw a typical "meeting" where everybody fought to make their point, struggled to be heard, win/lose situations, poor planning that I am convinced will result in loss of revenue, time, and effort. It was VERY hard for me to sit through. And I have done much group training/collaboration work in the past, so I am not new to this phenomenon.

This time it was just more tedious, more draining, more unsettling.

However, I do think I was able to gasp the shift in my perceptions, which helped me to just sit back and watch the process. There were many things that I could have commented on and volunteered to "fix". And yet, I somehow knew already at that moment that this was not my path to be on, I was to sit, to listen for a moment, and then move on.

Later on I handed over some of the work to another member of our own meeting, for the subsequent fair in October. It felt really great to have participated in a true and simple way, and then passed on the burden when I felt it was no longer mine to hold. So yes, I was "back" in a group again, watching mayhem unfold, and yet somehow it was totally different. Not the same river at all!

Praying

It doesn't have to be

the blue iris, it could be

weeds in a vacant lot, or a few

small stones; just

pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don't try

to make them elaborate, this isn't

a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which

another voice may speak.

~ Mary Oliver ~

NEYM - Wednesday (part one)

The blazing discovery which Quakers made, long ago, is rediscovered again and again by individuals and sometimes by groups. The embers flare up, the light becomes glorious. There is no reason why it cannot break out again, today, with blazing power. The world needs it desperately. - Thomas Kelly

I didn't really think the past few days would be glorious at all. A little dim glow would have sufficed. However, I much prefer where I am right now.

There are so many thoughts running through my head, and while I will surely miss my time here, I crave time at home to reflect on what I have learned while back in the context of my own life. I feel spiritually moved, inspired, connected – and yet I am keenly aware that I am in a blissful bubble of sorts, without the outside world pressing upon me. Walking cheerfully comes easily for me here. Too easily? Perhaps. But I suspect I needed to gain a set of spiritual "training wheels" as it were – all this falling into worship with large other groups of like-minded people has helped to deepen my experience easily. I am trying to trust the process for later on when I am not here.

I had a conversation earlier in the week (a continuation of one started months ago) about a seeming division in contemporary Quaker worship - activist or more Christian-grounded, even biblically based. I would expect my leadings to be heavy on the activist side of things. A member of our meeting (who has been at this much longer than me and I am sure knows what he's talking about!) has warned that I must proceed slowly, as not to burn out. Good advice, if I was in this for all the activity...

I am already surrounded by worthy causes. I work in public education, and find myself often serving as an advocate for kids and teachers and creating classrooms of respect and courage and light. Coincidentally, also a Quaker thing. I also have relatives in the mental health system. My own health problems have given me heightened awareness of disability issues of today. I do not have to look far for more good work to do, and there is much to be done.

But still, after a whole year, it's that peace and light that I experience in meeting each week, here with others at Yearly Meeting, and even in my solitary morning walks on the beach that keeps me returning week after week. I leave this week sure that it's not something you "burn out" from. In fact, it may just be the fuel for all the rest of the burnings.

I felt it long ago, when I was much younger. I wanted it to return, but my religious traditions of the time seemed to drive it away from me just when I needed it most. But that deep silence, that sharing with others which I still cannot quite explain, has been remarkably consistent thus far. I look forward to seeing how it continues to manifest itself as I leave. I will depart tommorrow still apprehensive, but hopeful.

A brief break and a weekend reminder...

Scituate Heritage Days is this weekend. All the historic buildings will be open for tours, street fairs, music.... Hoping to get there!

Heritage Days

More NEYM

I have read this blog before, but today it is linked through Martin Kelly - and I had no idea this person was a local! This is a great summary of some points of the week thus far:

http://petersontoscano.wordpress.com/



I am home at rest today - last night I had a nice evening with M and her friend (also M) - pizza, crafts, general toddler mayhem. My walk on the beach this morning was certainly refreshing, and everything seemed all new and shiny. A good reminder for me that what I have experienced this week thus far was in ME, and therefore will continue to travel from Smithfield and beyond within me.



More days of discernment, some great messages shared, some hard work being done. I am happy to see that so far I was indeed able to get out of my own perceptions, and can see the value in the people here even if we all are so different in some ways.



I thought for me the theme of Jubilee would translate into "not pursuing new activities/venues/"busyness". What has emerged for me thus far is the theme of letting go - to old values, perceptions, grudges, things that trap me. What will stick with me first and foremost from this week is what spoke to me - "what do I need to let go of?"

* a definition of "smart" that focuses on my accumulation of college credits, not necessarily experience and true wisdom.
* a need to do everything "right now"
* a fear that my health will fail, that causes me to make poor decisions in the current moment
* a concern that I must be the one to "fix" my family

Only the tip of a very large iceberg. But today I feel a new clarity and wisdom, from watching others grapple with what they need to let go of. Perhaps we're all letting go, but it's moved us to hold on to each other, which is indeed an unintended and lovely aspect of Jubilee.

so THAT'S the way to honor an anniversary...

Two days of Quaker mayhem. Some good, some just so-so, any complaints are only due to my ignorance and youth.

Today's meeting-for-worship-for-business rocked the house, however. Tempers flared, everybody was offended, confusion, bitterness, tears, frustration.....

and yet.......

Spirit moved us to somewhere. I don't know where yet, but I am convinced it is as a group, a whole. It was suggested that we might want to continue in small groups, and we firmly resisted, as so much seemed to be gained in our larger full meeting.

There's so much pain around changes that I personally feel we are being led to. Many have spoken of how we must find the blessing in grappling with these challenges. I am struggling to find a blessing within all these seemingly polar opposites, these views, these trenches we have dug down deep into. Can we see above this, to a greater good for all, perhaps even a new way out?

I have spent the past few months looking towards a split in American Quakerism as I have come to believe it stands now. Perhaps that possibility still remains, and perhaps it is meant to be. However, I now have glimpsed for a moment a brief peace, not of resolution, or even of unity, but of a love for us all to come together and work through our differences. There was a true respect tonight, not because we felt it initially, but because we WANTED it to remain with us.

I am leaving tomorrow, but am hoping to return for at least one more day of discernment. It's now officially "one year" of Quakerdom for me - and what a reintroduction today has been!

August The First (or however you say it in Quaker)

Well....

Headed to New England Yearly Meeting. I have been getting regular updates as to the status of registration, etc on facebook - feels a little like we are all going to summer camp. Except that we are adults, and may still behave as such when we get there.

This is quite a day for me. Application was due for Doctoral program today - not sent, still not sure if the program is "right" for me, so now there's a dream deferred. Perhaps.

It is also the one-year anniversary of the first time I walked into a Quaker meeting. The day my whole spiritual life changed - and a year later I am headed to THE New England Quaker meeting. I am spending most of the week in Quaker worship, and of course trying still to figure out exactly what that is!

Yesterday I also spent some time at the Wampatuck School, a mix of heartache and nostalgia for a job that I know is no longer right for me or my family, but a school family that I will sorely miss.

Our commissioned work for Wind Band arrived (published copy) in the mail this week as well - the final chapter to a hugely magnificent project. What next?

What next indeed? For someone who does not deal with transition and change very well, I sure am pilin' it on this week!

The theme of this week is "jubilee" - a biblical time for rest and renewal, where one should just take what comes, rather than seek to create new experiences directly. A time of reaction, more than mere action. Ironically, we will also debate (I know Quakers don't "debate" - but I surely don't know what else to call all this) the issue of same-sex marriage that has divided so many meetings as of late. We will ask for guidance in creating new policies, supporting our members, doing what is right (once we figure out what that is).

I'm anticipating learning as much about the Quaker structures as the issues themselves. And it does make me nervous that I am headed for a large group of religious-types. In the past, I have thought that can truly only lead to trouble. Lots of "group think" and the like.

I have brought my own spiritual texts (and a worn copy of "Understanding the Bible" - just in case of more academic inquiry) and have committed to making space for thought, meditation, prayer, whatever necessary. I seem to be preoccupied with many "issues" for myself these days - I am hoping to gain a larger perspective that will help with all of them.

Bringing the computer, hopefully will blog of my take on this. Will be interesting to read for myself later.