Change. Just change.

“For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.” -Henri Nouwen

So.... in a surprising development, I lost a part-time job that did not bring out the best in me. One that constantly forced me to do things that I thought did not help the organization I was working for, and as "just" a paid employee I felt it best not to interfere. The money situation will be tight, until I find more work, but I think that will happen.

I spent a day feeling very down - how had I failed them, what could I have done better/differently, etc. But truly, it was a financial issue plain and simple. Yet, I was surprised even with that knowledge at how my first instinct was to assume I was wrong, inadequate, not "enough".

Today at the beach I was greeted by a refreshing, yet tumultuous sea. As often happens, the waves' crashing and banging matched my mood. I felt I could not center, could not sit quietly, with all that racket. Maybe today the message was that sometimes the racket is okay. Perhaps I don't need every moment to be a "big" experience of value. Maybe just sitting and listening to what the sea had to share with me was enough for today. Because perhaps today I don't need any messages of improvement and enlightenment. Perhaps I should just be doing the sitting, in whatever way it comes to me.